


You Can Plan On Me

by earthseraph



Series: Army!Dean 'Verse [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Army!Dean, Christmass fic, Domestic, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, M/M, Memory Gain, Memory Loss, Oneshot, Poetry, Reminiscing, im terrible at summaries, married, music refrences
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-21
Updated: 2013-12-21
Packaged: 2018-01-05 08:34:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,393
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1091828
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/earthseraph/pseuds/earthseraph
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>“I missed this when you were gone. The bed was so big and cold, the house didn't feel the same. I remember going through days and months without hearing if you were okay. And I know you’re not “okay” by most standards now, but i’m glad that you’re home and that you don’t ever have to go and leave me again.”</em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Castiel goes to the base to pick up Dean when he learns that he's in the hospital with memory loss.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You Can Plan On Me

**Author's Note:**

> So i've been working on this since November and it's done! I've had an emotional blast working on this, ugh, I love it so much.
> 
> The title is based off of [Sinatra's I'll Be Home For Christmas](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1pk-SLQPYJ0)
> 
> I did research on the military and on memory loss. So it should be pretty accurate. 
> 
> (unbeta'd)
> 
> Enjoy!

  


_“I’ll be home for Christmas.” He touched the screen between he and his lover. A tear streamed down his cheek._

_The feed crackled and fuzzed, “You can plan on me.” He smiled a sad smile and nodded._

That was two months ago. He received no calls for two months. No updates, nothing but the TV broadcast of what was happening. Nothing but information that held no knowledge. Nothing about Dean.

Castiel scrubbed his face and looked at his watch, it was seven in the morning. In two hours he’d be driving to the base and finally picking up Dean.

That’s if he made it home.

Dean’s been on two tours in Afghanistan, not including the obligatory enlisting time, two years per each tour and eight years of obligation. About twelve years away from home, twelve years missing what’s going on in American soil, twelve years away from his loving husband. Twelve years that will haunt him for the rest of his life. Twelve years he won’t get back.

Sam was always there to help him cope. He was the shoulder he’d cry on. He was the only one that let him sit in Dean’s old letterman, squirt some of Dean’s cologne on himself, drink black coffee and cry for a while. Nobody else let him have that sense of comfort. They’d tell him to get up and leave the house, to stop worrying about something seemingly inevitable. But Castiel wasn’t about to act as if Dean was dead. Because he wasn’t and he won’t be. 

So, Castiel decorated the house for Christmas. Putting up the tree with the help of Sam and Jess. Setting the table with a red table cloth, putting a wreath on the front door and making sure he had presents for Dean. Making sure each present was packaged to the best it could be. 

He made sure that there was a dinner for a king. The ham, the potatoes, the apple pie, everything that Dean would ever want. He made sure everything was in place. Sure Christmas in a few days but Dean was coming home and Castiel wasn’t crazy for thinking that. For thinking that he’d have his perfect Dean home with him. In his arms, in their bed. Home.

Castiel jolted awake at the small alarm blaring beside him.

He must have fallen asleep waiting. Huh. 

He cut the alarm off and got up from the couch, stretching his whole body. He switched off the lights as he passed them to enter the bathroom. He washed his face, frowning at the dark circles under his eyes. They made him look as if he was going through Rigor Mortis. Brushed his teeth and exited the bathroom.

He slipped on all the winter essentials and left the house. Taking Dean’s beloved Impala instead of his small hybrid. While Dean was doing his tours Castiel would sometimes sit in the Impala, he’d play Dean’s tapes and silently cry to the sound of Robert Plant’s voice flowing through the speakers. But instead of hearing Robert Plant he’d hear Dean’s soft twang singing, the song he’d always sing him to sleep at night.

_If the sun refused to shine, I would still be loving you._  
When mountains crumble to the sea, there will still be you and me.  
Kind man, I give you all, Kind man, nothing more.  
Little drops of rain whisper of the pain, tears of loves lost in the days gone by. 

Castiel drove to the base. It was more of a blur than anything. It was just get from point A to point B. He needed to see if Dean was alive. He needed to know. 

Castiel sighed as he pulled into the parking lot, all the other army husbands and wives waiting for their lover. Families and children huddling against the cold December wind. Castiel got out of the car and stood in a secluded area of the crowd, nobody near him. He didn't want to hear their ‘what if’ statements, he just needed to know the definite statement that he would be told.

He heard names being called off and men and women in uniform running to their lovers and families. He waited, his stomach sinking when they passed the ‘W’s’ and went to the ‘Y’s’. He didn't know what to do. What would he do without Dean? With out his other half? What would he do with his life? How could he ever love another?

“If your family's name wasn't called, they’re either deceased or unfound.” The man paused, “Castiel Winchester?”

Castiel’s head shot up, “Come with me.”

He followed the man into his office and sat down in the chair presented to him.

“Dean’s in the hospital.”

Castiel let out a deep breath, he wasn't dead.

“But..” The man paused and frowned at his desk.

“But..?”

The man sighed, “His platoon was sent in to check the IED’s, make sure they were deactive or none at all. Dean and his partner were checking an IED that was supposed to be inactive.” the man shook his head, “It wasn't. It was about to explode, about to kill Benny, when Dean pushed him out of the way and covered him. The IED was filled with shrapnel and glass, the pieces got logged in Dean’s back, not hitting the spine, just surrounding it.”

The man looked up at Castiel and took his hand, comforting him. “He had a guardian angel out there. Someone looking over him. It could have easily killed him, or have made him paralyzed.”

“And that’s the only reason he’s in the hospital?” Hopeful.

“No. He.. He also has memory loss from the impact.”

“Does he- does he remember me?” Silent tears fell from Castiel’s eyes. Silent, hot tears.

The man shook his head. “We notified Sam just before you got here. The doctor said that when Dean saw Sam he got memories from when they were younger. It’s like he’s reliving his life again. He remembers his personality, what he does and doesn't like. He’s just a little jogged on the details.”

Castiel felt his heart drop. He doesn't know what’s worse.

Dean being dead. Or Dean not remembering him.

“He will remember you in time, Castiel.” The man assured him, “Go visit your husband, we have a driver waiting to take you to Saint Luke’s. We’ll keep Dean’s car here.”

Castiel nodded, took his hand back and mouthed a ‘thank you’ to the man. He stood up on shaky legs and left the office. Getting into the black Jeep and pressing his head against the window. 

It was all going to be okay.

\----

 

Castiel rounded the corner before Dean’s room. He paused at the door, fingers brushing over his small name plate.

Castiel took in deep breaths, he needed to see Dean. He would and will help him through this.

No matter what.

Castiel slowly turned turned the handle and opened the door. Sam was sitting to the right of a sleeping Dean. He walked into the room, closing the door behind him and went to wake Sam.

He shook him lightly, “Sam,”

The man shot up from his chair, “Oh, hi, Cas.” 

Castiel gave him a watery smile, “I don’t mean to impose but may I have some time alone with your brother?”

“You’re not imposing at all, he is your husband. Besides, we were talking for a couple of hours.”

“What does he remember?”

Sam sighed and wiped his face with his hands, “He remembers up to march of junior year.”

“When he met me.” Castiel could feel the tears burning at the rim of his eyes. Dean remembered up to the year they met. But not after. And most likely not him.

“It’s going to be okay, Cas. I know it hurts, it does. But, just talk to him.” Sam patted his shoulder.

“Want to know the first thing he asked me?” Sam asked with a slight smile.

Castiel nodded, words choked in his throat by the tears and emotions.

Sam smiled, “He asked me if he was a married man.”

“R-really?”

He nodded, “He said that he felt like a married man.”

Castiel wiped his eyes with the back of his hands, “Thank you, Sam.”

“No problem, I’ll be back later, Okay?”

Castiel nodded and didn't move until the door was closed. He pulled one of the chairs to Dean’s left side. The side by his heart, the side by the hand that bounded them. The side by the tuft of hair that would never fall properly. He took Dean’s hand in his and watched his husband sleep. Watched the familiar rise and fall of his chest, the way his nose twitched, the sound of his steady breath coming out of his nose.

He didn't know how long he was sitting there, reminiscing, holding his hand and occasionally moving when a nurse or doctor came to check Dean’s stats and ask if he needed anything. He felt like he couldn't keep track of time anymore. Like time was just an element that didn’t mean anything to him anymore. Castiel closed his eyes and let out choppy sighs. 

Castiel sat there for a while longer, letting his head tip to the ceiling and rest on the back of the chair. He felt Dean’s hand twitch and looked up to see bleary green eyes looking at him. 

He smiled, watery none the less, “Hello, Dean.”

He watched Dean stare at him for a bit, face scrunched and frowning. Like he was trying to solve a difficult problem. He watched Dean rake his eyes up and down his face, trying to find recognition that wasn't there. Like he didn't remember him. He _didn't_ remember him. Castiel could feel another wave of tears, he pulled his hand away from Dean’s and placed it over his mouth. Muffling the sobs that wrecked his body.

“Woah, are you okay man?” 

Castiel flicked his eyes to Dean’s, utter confusion and worry was painted on his face. “Dude, do I need to call the nurse for you or something?”

Castiel took in ragged breaths and forced the sobs away, “You don’t remember me?”

“Sorry, man, no.” Dean shook his head, “I feel like I should, you know? Like there’s something _there_ that i’m not noticing.” Dean looked up to Castiel, “Can you tell me who you are?”

Castiel took in a deep breath, “My name is Castiel Winchester and I am y-your husband.”

He looked up at Dean to see the lopsided grin that first made him fall in love with him, “I knew I was married!” he laughed. Castiel watched his face fall, “Do you- do you happen to have my ring?”

Castiel nodded and pulled a long silver chain out of his shirt, he unclasped it and pulled the simple ring out. It was silver and had engravings on the inside. He handed it Dean who tentatively took it and examined it. 

He rubbed his fingers on the bright silver, making it shine brighter. He rolled it in his hand, feeling the soft metal. He brought it up to his eyes and looked at the engravings.

“I carry it in my heart,” He looked up to Castiel, “what does that mean?”

“It’s a poem by E. E. Cummings.”

“What’s in yours?”

“I carry your heart with me.”

“Do you know the whole poem?”

Castiel nodded and closed his eyes,  
 _“I carry your heart with me(i carry it in_  
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere  
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done  
by only me is your doing,my darling)  
i fear  
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want  
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)  
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant  
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

_here is the deepest secret nobody knows_  
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud  
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows  
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)  
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart 

_i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)”_

He opened his eyes to see Dean looking at the ceiling.

Crying.

Castiel moved and took Dean’s hand,“Dean, are you okay?”

Dean shrugged, “I-I remembered something.”

Castiel soothed Dean’s hair away from his forehead, “What did you remember?” he asked quietly.

“I don’t know where we were but the room was dim with candles, you were laying across my chest and had a book in your hand. You were reading that poem I think and then you told me you loved me and not to go. And I took your hand and kissed it and told you I had to.”

Castiel nodded and bit his bottom lip, “I remember that night.”

“Could you tell me about it?”

Castiel laughed, “Yes. It was about thirteen years ago, a month before we got married. You just told me that you were being called in.” Castiel blushed, “We had really emotional sex, we both were crying. And after I picked up a book and read you that poem that’s engraved in our rings. And I tried to get you not to go, but you needed to put Sam through college so, you went.” 

“Fuck.” Dean sighed. 

Castiel looked down at the wooden floors, “Do you remember how we met?”

He felt Dean shake his head, “That’s the only thing I remember. It’s like I know stuff about you but I don't know how I know them.”

“We met in high school, these guys were beating me up because I was the acclaimed nerd. And you stepped in and beat them up. After that you were like a guardian.” Castiel smiled.

“Wait, did you have glasses and there was about three guys?”

Castiel nodded, Dean smiled. “You were cute, now you’re hot.”

Castiel laughed, Dean was still Dean.

They stared at each other for a while, both smiling. Dean with his flirty smile and Castiel with a sad one. Dean broke out in a long yawn.

“Do you want me to leave so you can sleep?

He watched Dean roll his lips in thought, “Can you lay with me?” he whispered.

Castiel nodded, removed his shoes and got in the bed with Dean. He carefully relaxed his body over Dean’s chest and held his husbands right hand.

“I missed this when you were gone. The bed was so big and cold, the house didn't feel the same. I remember going through days and months without hearing if you were okay. And I know you’re not “okay” by most standards now, but i’m glad that you’re home and that you don’t ever have to go and leave me again.”

He closed his eyes and let the tears fall, let them dampen Dean’s hospital gown. He felt Dean rub his back in small circles, right in between his shoulder blades. Where he always loved it.

“I don’t know if i’ll ever get all my memories back. I don’t know what’s going to happen tomorrow. What I do know is that I ‘aint leaving you again, Cas.”

“Promise?” Castiel whispered.

“Promise.”

\----

The next few days were hectic, doctors running tests, people visiting Dean, a lot of legal personnel from both the hospital and the army visiting. The whole nine yards.

It was two days before Christmas when the head doctor on Dean’s team pulled him out into the hallway. He wanted Castiel to bring any of the photo albums he could get his hands on. He wanted to see if Castiel could further enhance his memory, get him to remember things that escaped him. At the moment they were at a standstill with Dean, only getting so far in his memory. He could only remember some things. 

One of those things not being their wedding. 

To say that was a bad day was an understatement. 

Castiel didn’t bring their wedding up anymore. 

On the eve of Christmas Castiel brought in a canvas bag with the only photo albums he could find. From their childhood to before Dean left to Afghanistan. Small slips of paper filled with memories. Slips of paper that could help bring back all that Dean lost. 

He set the bag down on the small over table and started taking the books out. "What are those?"

Castiel smiled at the sudden perk of interest in his husbands eye, "They're photo albums."

Dean picked up one that held many pictures of their road trip they took before college and flipped through the book. He smiled and pointed out to Castiel which ones he could remember, the ones that were slightly fuzzy and asked if Castiel could help him when he didn't remember them at all. One of the photos was of Castiel sitting on a worn porch with a small goat in his lap, he was smiling with a wrinkled nose, large and gummy. His hair was crazier than normal and there was a pink blur in the corner where Dean’s finger got in the camera lense. 

Castiel smiled and hummed, “This was in California nearing the end of our trip, your beloved Impala got a flat and we pushed it to a small farm- well you pushed and made me stand back because you didn't want me helping you because you’re the macho man. There was a lovely elderly couple that lent you a small area for your car fixing and in return I helped them round up the goats you scared off.”

“How’d I scare the goats?”

Castiel shrugged and scrunched his face, “You might have thrown a tire scrap at them.”

Dean threw his head back in laughter, "I threw a tire scrap at a poor goat?" 

Castiel nodded and mouthed 'yeah' before letting Dean flip through more pages. He seemed to remember some things in slight wisps and flashes, and others like a wave of realization. After hours of looking through the rest of the worn photo albums Castiel shyly pulled out the one from their wedding.

It was plush and white with golden detailing surrounding the photo of them two at the alter. They've only really opened this album a handful of times, not wanting to ruin it our cloud their own memories. 

Castiel slipped his shoes off and nudged Dean’s hip to the side, making space for him on the bed. Dean wrapped an arm around his waist and pulled him in close, he nuzzled his nose against the back of Castiel ear and hummed, “Is this our wedding album?”

Castiel nodded and opened it to the first page, it was their hands clasped. Their rings dazzling in the lights from the ballroom, Castiel watched as Dean picked up his hand and kissed the ring, nodded for him to go on. Castiel slowly turned the page and smiled.

“Do you remember who they are?”

Dean nodded, “Charlie and Jo.”

They flipped through the beginning pages. Naming people, asking Dean if he remembered them and helping through those he didn't. Castiel would kiss his temple and whisper sweet nothings when he would get frustrated. They got to their first dance and Castiel felt Dean drop his head onto the pillow.

“Babe, are you okay?”

“I- uh- I remembered our first dance. It was to Fly Me To The Moon by Sinatra. And you were laughing through the whole thing because you were nervous and you’re a dork when you dance.”

Castiel smiled and leaned over to kiss his lips, “You were always a better dancer, Dean.”

Dean smiled, “I think I remember you being the one grinding on me that one time in that one place..”

Castiel blushed and turned away, “That was one time and I was very drunk, you know how I get when i’m drunk.”

Dean sighed,“No, actually, I don’t..”

“Shit, I’m sorry.” Castiel turned and nosed at Dean’s jaw, “Would you like me to remind you?” he whispered.

“Please?” Dean sounded so sincere it hurt Cas in the gut, it made him want to kiss Dean’s scars away and give him all he could. Make him remember, will him to remember. He wanted Dean to remember everything. Everything that he lost, all the details. From the good times to the bad, from how Castiel liked his coffee to how he wore his socks. He just wanted Dean to remember. 

“When I’m drunk i’m clingy and slightly possessive. That night a woman was hitting on you and I couldn't have it. So I dragged you out to the dance floor and staked my claim, for lack of better word.”

Dean smiled, “You’re too cute.”

Castiel shrugged and flipped the page. It was their binding kiss. Dean was cupping Castiel’s cheek while Castiel had his arms wrapped around Dean’s neck and their noses were slightly squished. Their faces were glistening wet with tears, from their vows and what they promised one another. They vowed till death, in sickness and health, to always love no matter how much sea separated them, to love forever and fully. 

“You cried during your vows, I remember that.” 

Castiel hummed, “They were very emotional for me. I was promising my love to you, not knowing if or when you were going to come back. Not knowing how the future was going to play out for me. In a perfect world you would have came back pristine and healthy, but I knew that the world wasn't nor is perfect so I needed you to know that much. That i’d love you with my everything and all. No matter how far you were, how long it was going to be or if you never came back. I needed to use those vows to make sure you knew. I needed too.”

“I know i’m far from perfect, Cas. Because, hell, I can’t remember how you like your coffee, but I do know that you love me and I know that I love you too.”

Castiel leaned into Dean, “I know, I truly do. We’re going to get through this and if you can’t gain all your memories back then we’ll just have to make new ones, yeah?”

Dean nodded and flipped the page to see a picture of Castiel doubled over in laughter. He was leaning on Gabriel whose head was thrown back and eyes were crinkled. They were both in tuxes and there were multiple colors of lights flashing on their skin. 

Dean chuckled, “What’s going on here?”

“Well, a lot of my family members are named after angelic beings and most were present at the wedding. You had requested the DJ to play Devil In Disguise and proceeded to sing it to me while the rest of your side sang it to my family.” Castiel pointed to the man he was leaning on, “That’s Gabriel.”

“How’d your family take that?”

“Well the members with a light soul laughed while others just frowned and thought it was distasteful of you to do such a thing.”

Dean sighed, “Does your family like me?”

“Most of the time, yes. But you are quite brash and they are quite formal.”

Dean shook his head and shrugged, “That’s true, I guess.”

They kept flipping through the album, Castiel would give Dean moments just to stare at the images and will his brain to remember and sometimes Castiel would go straight into explanation to help Dean out. When they finished with the album Castiel placed it on the table and pushed the table away from them. He got up from the bed and dimmed the lights before slipping under the covers and resting his head on Dean’s chest.

“How do you like your coffee, Cas?”

Castiel traced swirls on Dean’s warm chest before answering, “Black and if it’s a bad day with about three sugars.”

Dean hummed, Castiel could feel the rumble under his cheek and decided to keep talking. 

“When I’m sick I like to lay with you in bed all day with as many covers that we can find because I need to nest and I always get cold really fast. I don’t like rain because after rain the air is thick and moist. I like to lay in the patch of carpet in front of our living room window because the sun shines there and it’s warm. I like subtitles on movies even though you hate them. I don’t like when you leave your socks on the bed but you’ll do it anyways so I've learned not to care. I like being the little spoon because it makes me feel safe and your arms are nice and strong. I prefer to be top in sex but bottom works too because your thighs are godly.”

Dean laughed, “You’ll have to remind me how godly you are. I think I forgot that part.”

Castiel hummed and propped his chin to where he could see Dean’s eyes. “I guess I will.”

They stared at each other. Both eyes boring into one another's, green to blue and blue to green. Castiel tilted his head up and kissed Dean’s lips lightly, “I’m so glad you’re home.” 

Castiel felt tears slip from his eyes and roll down his ashy cheeks. He felt his throat clog with emotion and felt the warm skin of Dean’s finger wipe away a tear. 

“I told you I’d be home for Christmas.” Dean whispered.

Castiel looked up at the green eyed man, “You remember that?” 

Dean nodded, “I don’t break promises.”

“I’m glad you don’t.”

Castiel placed his head back on Dean’s chest and closed his eyes. He listened to the steady flow of Dean’s heart beat. The thump that told him that his husband was alive and wasn't going anywhere. Castiel knew it would be hard. He knew that he was going to have to walk Dean through the trials of memory loss. That one horrible day Dean might remember the troubles of war, that he might remember the deaths of anyone in his platoon. He knew that there was a large chance of Dean getting PTSD, of him getting night terrors or even just getting frustrated at the fact that he can’t remember something. But Castiel was going to be there for him. 

Because in sickness and health, right?

**Author's Note:**

> Song that Castiel would listen to in the Impala: [Led Zeppelin's Thank You](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u1z4vkPWkLQ)
> 
> Poem: [E. E. Cumming's I Carry Your Heart With Me](http://www.poetryfoundation.org/poem/179622)
> 
> Banner made by me c:
> 
>  
> 
> [My Tumblr](http://earth-seraph.tumblr.com/)
> 
>  
> 
> Thank you to [Cassie <3](http://sunshinexlollipops.tumblr.com/) For making me do my stuff and letting me test this out! (Cloudsarefluffy on here)


End file.
